What's your favourite writers' block exercise?
I love creating obituaries for my characters & 'weeklies' for my settings...
Better yet, someone may have kicked the bucket for her.
On April 15, 1912, two fiascos reeked havoc in this zoo we call history: first, at 2:20 a.m., the RMS Titanic sank in the northern Atlantic Ocean after striking an iceberg. Less than an hour later, no less catastrophic, Bella (b. Aucoin) Desveaux tore through her poor mother’s uterus, the first of a long list of cruel acts she would inflict on her, and later on others, notably on the Catholic Church.
It was Papillon’s coldest April on record when the weak and shivering Patronille and her husband Hypolite Aucoin first glimpsed their daughter: face like a slapped arse and smelling funny. Hypolite cut the umbilical cord himself with a rusty pocketknife and then doused the baby with moonshine to ward off infection.
And, as if her rumoured affair with notorious artist Diego Rivera didn't create enough racket in these parts...At least, Bella was deprived of her secret wish—to be lauded as the woman who found and brought back a treasure that saved those of us condemned to live out our years in this god-forsaken hellhole.
Sadly, the overdose—whether self-administered or with a little help from her friends—didn’t make her death as slow and painful as she deserved.
Bottom line: Bella was about as useful to society as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
Her only redeeming quality was her skill at canning lobster. She’ll be cremated tomorrow following a funeral service she ordered for happy hour, 5 pm at Eglise Saint Paul. A lobster boil will follow hosted by one Matante Bijou, Bella’s 'mad as a hatter' sister-in-law.
Papillon, Cape Breton’s Weekly News
June 26, 2019
APOLOGIES & RETRACTION
On behalf of the editors & staff of L’Acadie Weekly Star, we would like to offer our deep-felt apologies to Isabelle Desveaux for the unfortunate obituary that appeared in last week’s paper. It appears our on-line version of the paper was hacked and we are fully cooperating with Officer Cassianni, a rookie the RCMP assigned to the case.
On that note, we’d like to welcome Officer Todd Cassianni and his wife Belinda. We certainly hope you’ll be joining us at the July 1st Canada Day picnic.
We’d also like to send our best wishes to Paulette Muise, our long-suffering editor Marguerite’s niece. We heard you got your wisdom teeth pulled and we’re rooting for you (pun intended:)
Inverness Boy, 9, saves his sister in a near drowning accident at Moody Lake.
“I wouldn’t do it again,” says the hero, “she’s been a royal pain ever since.”
Given the almost-tragedy, the parishes of Inverness and Papillon have joined forces to fundraise for a water safety course. There will be a special envelope available at the back of the church at this Sunday’s fisherman mass.
Oops: French President’s Camel Accidentally Cooked in Stew
(Huffington Post) – That’s right. "According to reports, a family in Timbuktu has eaten Francois Hollande’s camel."
Get the full story here.
Rooftop beehives create buzz above French parliament
(Reuters) - The roof of France's National Assembly is ready to buzz with activity after the arrival of three large bee hives this week as part of a project to promote pesticide-free honey.
Get the full story here.
L’ACADIE STAR OF THE WEEK
And now, it’s time for L’ACADIE STAR OF THE WEEK.
Our star this week is none other than…sound the drumroll:
Sabine Poulain-Desveaux! That’s right Bella’s granddaughter (Isabelle’s daughter) will spend the summer with us. A little bird whispered in my ear that she’s angling for the job at the new waterfront art gallery. Probably means none of my brother’s kids have a snowball’s chance in hell of landing it, but good for you, Sabine. We sure wish you a happy homecoming!